Catholic men and women frequently debate modesty both online and in real life. Inevitably, a woman will chime in and say: “It’s not my fault if a man looks at me lustfully.” Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it’s not. The fact is that this is based much more on what you are wearing than how much beauty God has given you. Thus, I have written here and podcasted here on pre-Vatican II parameters of modesty. I still hold to those.
But today we’re going to look Scripturally at the ancient-wound from the Fall in the Garden from a more philosophical than practical point of view.
I’m sure some readers have already had an epinephrine dump in their system with such a volatile topic, but let’s take a deep breath and go way back to Adam and Eve. You see, if you read Genesis 3, you will observe that men and women were wounded by their own decision to follow Satan instead of God in ways that are general to humanity but other ways that are specific to only men and women.
Similarly, as we thank Jesus Christ for redeeming us on the cross and granting us the sacraments that flow from His pierced Sacred Heart, we also recognize through the writings of the saints that cooperation with grace is sometimes the same for men and women, but sometimes different.
For example, once I preached from the pulpit: “If man controls his eyes, he can be a saint. If woman controls her tongue, she can be a saint.” I stick by this assertion. Obviously, I meant that custody of the eyes leads to most of man’s sins and gossip comprises most of women’s sins.
Doubtless, someone is already getting ready to tell me an exception to this rule with someone they know. Yes, I know there’s exceptions to the rule, but hard cases make bad rules. Thus, I’m not ashamed to espouse the above stereotype and assert that at the Fall in the Garden, man was more wounded in his sexuality and woman was more wounded in her emotions.
Yes, both were wounded in both, of course. But the different blindspots mean men have weaknesses that women don’t have. Also, women have weaknesses that men don’t have. And if men want to get women to heaven and vice-versa, they must recognize the complementary structure of compensating for how original sin has wounded men and women in different ways.
After a century of feminism, I believe men have become relatively compassionate (either through the grace of God or fear of women) to compensate for female weakness in emotions. Before you think you know where this is going with modesty, let me give you an example of something that happens frequently in young adult Catholic communities. I’m going to use a pretty specific example of something I made up, but it reads as real:
Imagine a popular young man in a group of unmarried young Catholic adults in their early 20s. Perhaps one evening, he stays after the event in the basement and goes up to the Church. In the in the dark, there happens to be with a young woman who is unattractive and has never been asked out in her life who is also praying. They pray the Rosary together. They go home separately with no violations of chastity. Then, maybe the next day, he runs into her at a coffee shop. Imagine he says something like: “Wow, I have prayed a Rosary with a lot of people, but never as powerful as last night with you. That was really special.”
The problem with his phrase (besides it being corny) is that he made her feel special without treating her any different than any of his other female friends. So, he tells himself there’s no danger in saying it.
But he knows better.
As you can imagine, she falls in love with this popular, handsome man who paid her a compliment unlike nothing she has ever received. Every woman wants to be feel uniquely cherished—one in a million. But when he said something like “never as powerful as last night,” even on something as seemingly-innocent as the Rosary, she heard: “No one is as special as you.” And I don’t blame her. The young man made the young woman (who has never been asked out, at least in my story here) feel more unique than any man has ever made her feel, even though he had no romantic intentions with her.
Let’s keep going on this story a little more. This guy’s male Catholic friends find out about this. They would rightly slam him and tell him to go to confession for playing with a young woman’s heart who he had no intention of courting. The young man might protest, claiming he did nothing misleading by simply saying, “Wow, I have prayed a Rosary with a lot of people but never as special as last night.” Again, he knows better. He knows he made her feel like one-in-a-million, irreplaceable and unique on who she is on the inside, even as no man has paid attention to her on the outside.
Trust me, you probably don’t know where this is going with modesty just yet. So, just keep reading. What was immoral with what the young man in the above story said to the young woman? It was misleading and it hurt her.
Obviously, I’m not against young Catholic adults courting each other in order to get married, and I’m clearly not against friends paying friends compliments—even huge compliments. My point is obviously that a compliment as unique as that should not be paid to someone you don’t plan on marrying.
Now, yes, I admit that if you switched all the above sexes from man to woman, and woman to man, an attractive woman could mislead a man with her words of making him feel special, too. So too, some of this goes both ways. But I also stick with what I wrote several paragraphs up, namely, that man is more wounded in his sexuality whereas woman is more wounded in her emotions. There’s exceptions to these rules and examples, but again, hard cases make bad law.
A good man knows not to mess with a woman’s emotions. He understands that women are not only gifted by God in a different way than men, but that women are wounded by the Fall in a different way than men. Thus, he will not pay singular compliments to anyone but his wife (or fiancée) in a way he might give a compliment to a guy on the basketball court like “No one can throw free throws like you.” For straight men, a compliment like that on the court won’t throw him off (unless, of course, he says it to his friend precisely to throw him off in the game!) For men, these things are jokes. For women, they can be life-changing.
Forgive the snooty theological language for just this paragraph, but here’s what I am describing above: Men must compensate for complimentary weaknesses of women due to differences in the fall in order to get his sisters in Christ to heaven. This means not messing with her emotions. Women, on the other hand, must compensate for the complimentary weaknesses of men due to differences in the fall in order to get their brothers in Christ to heaven. This means not messing with his sexuality, precisely where she has the power—namely, towards the eyes with clothing.
Finally, you can now see where this is going with modesty. Just as the young man who messed with the emotions of the unattractive girl in the young adult Catholic community couldn’t say “Hey, chill out, I pay compliments like that to my buddies on the basketball court all the time, so it’s her fault if she took it the wrong way” so also a woman can’t say “Hey, I wear yoga pants at my all-female gym all the time, so it’s not my fault if my Catholic boyfriend lusts after me when he sees me with them.” Both are irresponsible statements that reflect no Christian charity.
Because of living in a feminist culture, most understand the first act is wrong. But women today can’t seem to see the second act as wrong. As I wrote, two paragraphs above, “Women must compensate for complimentary weaknesses of men due to differences in the fall in order to get her brothers in Christ to heaven.” This simply means dressing modestly.
And yes, I do believe the inverse of everything I have written is also true. That is, women do indeed have to guard the hearts of men so as not to mislead them in a flirty or emotional way. Similarly, I believe men should dress modestly. (Keep in mind this is coming from a man who wears a religious habit past his ankles, so I do put my money where my mouth is on matters of “what is not comfortable.”) But this article is based on the blindspots that are more common today.
Men do not have to understand how women are weak in order not to mess with their emotions. Thus, they can’t say excuses like “Not my fault if that girl got attached to me following an innocent compliment.” Everyone understands this.
So also, women cannot say “Not my fault if a guy looks lustfully at me if I wear a short skirt.” Women do not have to understand how we men are wired in order not to mess with our eyes. If we tell you it’s tempting, you should believe us without arguing. What many women wear for admiration, men often see as provocation.
How men and women are Redeemed by Jesus Christ after the Fall of Adam and Eve constitutes cooperation with grace in many ways that are the exact same for both men and women. I admit that. But in other areas, our weaknesses in Adam and Eve, as well as our Redemption in Christ through Mary’s intercession looks very different, and even complimentary.
Ladies, you wouldn’t let the young man in the example of this article get away with messing with a young woman’s heart, precisely because you know how her heart is wired—both the good and the bad. Similarly, ladies, you don’t have to understand how men are wired in both the good and the bad. If you have any fraternal charity in your heart to your brothers in Christ, you will dispense with such irresponsible excuses like “Not my fault if he looks at me…” and then do the right thing on modesty. That’s what true fraternal charity looks like in the 21st century.
Our Lady, Mediatrix of all graces, pray for us.